Just like two hands are required for clapping, a marriage, too,
is unlikely to succeed with the efforts of one partner alone.
To all the readers, today
I would like to give some advice for newly married couples to brighten their
life after marriage. ‘Getting married is not the
achievement; getting along together with each other after marriage is the real
achievement.’ This statement repeatedly echoes in my mind as
I observe the rising divorce rate/bride suicide rate in
our Indian society. Of course, this is becoming
an issue in all societies around the world.
When I go to any
wedding, I often have an itching desire to have a chat with the bride &
groom before the marriage ceremony and would like to give them my two cents on their
future journey.
On that note, if I were to have my wish for a chat with the groom
before the marriage, the following are some of the issues I would address.
1. First resolve your issues before marriage:
If you have disagreements
with your future wife on issues such as mode of apparel, habits, her
choice of working or not working, higher education in the future, supporting
her family after she gets married and such, resolve these before get married.
Please don’t marry someone with obvious differences with your
lifestyle or religious preferences on the pathetic urge that ‘I will change her
once I get married’. That is the cruellest thing you can do. It is
nothing short of entering a blessed relationship under false premises.
Today, it is acceptable that the boy and girl talk before they
get married.
So talk about these important issues in these critical meetings
rather than each other’s favourite eatery, colour or dress design. Put your cards
on the table and if she can accept them, go ahead. If you sense poor
compatibility, back out. A few days of hurt are better than a lifetime of regrets,
fights and grievances.
2. Don’t take her for granted:
You are the single most vital reason she has left her family
& her friends behind to start a whole new life with you. Do hold her hand
through this very trying new period regardless of whether you are in a joint or
single family setting. It is not her sole responsibility to kindly hold up the
sign that reads ‘compromise’. Both of you have to hold it up together, otherwise
it won’t stay up for long.
She has married you, not sold herself into slavery for life.
3. Let the newly-married mood swings go by:
Please give her a break, as
she need time to settle into her new role as a wife, sister-in-law,
daughter-in-law, or granddaughter-in-law. You might get impatient with her
sometimes, but be understanding.
You will be very comfortable in your home with people you’ve
known all your life. But she needs time to adjust, especially if she has
relocated to another country or city after the marriage.
4. Financial support:
The financial logistics
is another sensitive issue after a marriage. How
sensibly you handle this will affect how well you and your wife will be viewed
by your family as the marriage moves along.
As a man, be strong financially and get settled before marriage but
never depend on your wife earnings. If your wife is working then, let her make
for herself without having any financial pressure..
The best thing would be to brief your girl on your financial
status before you get married and discuss on money management. So make sure
that she understands you well financially before she gets married.
5. Don’t try to change her:
Please remember that the word
‘adjust’ is neither synonymous nor interchangeable with the word ‘change’.
Adjustment is a process of give and take.
Trying to ‘change’ each other takes the game nowhere. Honest and
sincere attempts at ‘adjustment’ will create compatibility over time.
Inflexible rules and harsh attempts at ‘changing’ will only raise inflexibility,
dislike, and anger of each other as individuals.
6. Her place is not “under your shoe”:
Girls are no longer the
pitiable, submissive, grovelling creatures they used to be. In behaving like an
ogre, there are greater chances of you losing your respect and dignity, and
getting the marriage contract smacked in your hand than getting the wife
‘under control’.
Please be a gentleman and seek calm, dignified resolutions that
will go towards a stronger, loving bond. If the new bride is willing to go the
extra mile to ensure decades of a happy marriage together, there is no reason
why you shouldn't either.
Though, I
have a similar desire to chat with the bride, here is an idea of the discussion
I would have:
1. Try
not to be too quick to judge your new family
Enter your
new life and house with your senses tuned into ‘observation’ mode. When hiking
up a mountain, you have to judge the stability of the ground and the rocks
before you attempt to put your foot on to them to hoist yourself higher – the same
goes for marriage too! Keep an open heart and mind.
2. Remember
that you have married a human being who is as much of a mature individual as
you are
He is not a piece of clay so please don’t enter the
marriage thinking you can command him to your liking- because you can’t!
Both of you have to adjust to each other’s ways and respect each other’s
requirement for space. Don’t attempt to force him to act like you want him to
act. Compatibility is must and should require in the relationship
3. The
girls in our society do not marry a man, they marry a clan
Even if
you are not part of a joint family system, your hubby was not picked from a
tree and is now yours to enjoy alone. He is a major part of his family, and you
are the new addition. Extend your ‘observation’ mode to the other members of
the family as well. There are many things you will like about someone, yet
there will be many things you will dislike. Until, you find sociable ways to
deal with unsavoury situations, it would be advisable to keep own opinions to
yourself.
4. It might seem like the only thing to
do at times but try not to tell on your in-laws to your husband
Being a
new arrival, you are being judged as closely by others as you are judging them.
Your husband has lived with his family for decades and you cannot win his heart
by creating cracks, intentionally or unintentionally between family members.
If you do,
it will lower your respect in his eyes and in the eyes of the others. However,
if there are serious issues, look for a calm yet dignified manner of resolution
such as, politely ask the contending party about the issues they have with you
rather than gossiping to your hubby about them and making matters worse.
5. You
will gain more respect over time by allowing time to take its course while
dealing with a lot of issues
For instance, I found this to be true in matters related to the
kitchen. Every woman has her own way of running a kitchen. Let the in-laws
take the lead, don’t enforce your ways. Invariably over time, they will start
allowing you to take the lead too. Yes, things are bound to get out of hand
sometimes because all humans are made differently.
Again, try to find a more dignified mode of resolution.
6. Yes,
it is hard to not visit your parents frequently in the early days of the
marriage but do try to keep your make visits limited at this time
In
addition to making it harder for you to adjust into the new environment, it is
also likely to give your in-laws and your husband the impression that you are
unhappy in your new house.
Think
about it, what man would like to feel that his new wife should like his house
and family!
7. Try
not to talk too much or too excessively
In other words ‘brag’, about your father’s high post, your
mother’s jewellery, your bhabi’s great house or your brother’s sports bike.
Even if you don’t intend to, you will be unconsciously putting down your
husband and his family. So please be cautious on this.
8. Don’t
get into the competition mode with the female in laws at all
You are
not there to win a competition; you are there to make this new union work by
winning hearts and developing a level of compatibility with your husband. Yes,
some men are very difficult to live with but it will only take more effort on
your part to make this wheel run smoothly.
Last but
not least, please remember that men are very, very different creatures. Their
minds and hearts function according to the rules of an entirely different
planet!
It is your job to find out where
exactly their planet is and then build a pathway for the two of you to shuttle
happily between these two planets.
Your marriage is like travelling in boat that will have a
stronger & happier journey with two oarsmen, not one. Also never take any harsh decision like committing suicide/killing partner. So go pick up that paddle
and have a safe journey!
