Advice to a new Bride and Groom

Just like two hands are required for clapping, a marriage, too, is unlikely to succeed with the efforts of one partner alone.

To all the readers, today I would like to give some advice for newly married couples to brighten their life after marriage. ‘Getting married is not the achievement; getting along together with each other after marriage is the real achievement.’ This statement repeatedly echoes in my mind as I observe the rising divorce rate/bride suicide rate in our Indian society. Of course, this is becoming an issue in all societies around the world.

When I go to any wedding, I often have an itching desire to have a chat with the bride & groom before the marriage ceremony and would like to give them my two cents on their future journey.

On that note, if I were to have my wish for a chat with the groom before the marriage, the following are some of the issues I would address.

1. First resolve your issues before marriage:

If you have disagreements with your future wife on issues such as mode of apparel, habits, her choice of working or not working, higher education in the future, supporting her family after she gets married and such, resolve these before get married.

Please don’t marry someone with obvious differences with your lifestyle or religious preferences on the pathetic urge that ‘I will change her once I get married’. That is the cruellest thing you can do. It is nothing short of entering a blessed relationship under false premises.

Today, it is acceptable that the boy and girl talk before they get married.

So talk about these important issues in these critical meetings rather than each other’s favourite eatery, colour or dress design. Put your cards on the table and if she can accept them, go ahead. If you sense poor compatibility, back out. A few days of hurt are better than a lifetime of regrets, fights and grievances.

2. Don’t take her for granted:

You are the single most vital reason she has left her family & her friends behind to start a whole new life with you. Do hold her hand through this very trying new period regardless of whether you are in a joint or single family setting. It is not her sole responsibility to kindly hold up the sign that reads ‘compromise’. Both of you have to hold it up together, otherwise it won’t stay up for long.

She has married you, not sold herself into slavery for life.

 3. Let the newly-married mood swings go by:

Please give her a break, as she need time to settle into her new role as a wife, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, or granddaughter-in-law. You might get impatient with her sometimes, but be understanding.

You will be very comfortable in your home with people you’ve known all your life. But she needs time to adjust, especially if she has relocated to another country or city after the marriage.

4. Financial support:

The financial logistics is another sensitive issue after a marriage. How sensibly you handle this will affect how well you and your wife will be viewed by your family as the marriage moves along.  As a man, be strong financially and get settled before marriage but never depend on your wife earnings. If your wife is working then, let her make for herself without having any financial pressure.. 

The best thing would be to brief your girl on your financial status before you get married and discuss on money management. So make sure that she understands you well financially before she gets married.

5. Don’t try to change her:

Please remember that the word ‘adjust’ is neither synonymous nor interchangeable with the word ‘change’. Adjustment is a process of give and take.

Trying to ‘change’ each other takes the game nowhere. Honest and sincere attempts at ‘adjustment’ will create compatibility over time. Inflexible rules and harsh attempts at ‘changing’ will only raise inflexibility, dislike, and anger of each other as individuals.

6. Her place is not “under your shoe”:

Girls are no longer the pitiable, submissive, grovelling creatures they used to be. In behaving like an ogre, there are greater chances of you losing your respect and dignity, and getting the marriage contract smacked in your hand than getting the wife ‘under control’.

Please be a gentleman and seek calm, dignified resolutions that will go towards a stronger, loving bond. If the new bride is willing to go the extra mile to ensure decades of a happy marriage together, there is no reason why you shouldn't either.

Though, I have a similar desire to chat with the bride, here is an idea of the discussion I would have:

1. Try not to be too quick to judge your new family

Enter your new life and house with your senses tuned into ‘observation’ mode. When hiking up a mountain, you have to judge the stability of the ground and the rocks before you attempt to put your foot on to them to hoist yourself higher – the same goes for marriage too! Keep an open heart and mind.

2. Remember that you have married a human being who is as much of a mature individual as you are

He is not a piece of clay so please don’t enter the marriage thinking you can command him to your liking- because you can’t!  Both of you have to adjust to each other’s ways and respect each other’s requirement for space. Don’t attempt to force him to act like you want him to act. Compatibility is must and should require in the relationship

3. The girls in our society do not marry a man, they marry a clan

Even if you are not part of a joint family system, your hubby was not picked from a tree and is now yours to enjoy alone. He is a major part of his family, and you are the new addition. Extend your ‘observation’ mode to the other members of the family as well. There are many things you will like about someone, yet there will be many things you will dislike. Until, you find sociable ways to deal with unsavoury situations, it would be advisable to keep own opinions to yourself.

4. It might seem like the only thing to do at times but try not to tell on your in-laws to your husband

Being a new arrival, you are being judged as closely by others as you are judging them. Your husband has lived with his family for decades and you cannot win his heart by creating cracks, intentionally or unintentionally between family members.

If you do, it will lower your respect in his eyes and in the eyes of the others. However, if there are serious issues, look for a calm yet dignified manner of resolution such as, politely ask the contending party about the issues they have with you rather than gossiping to your hubby about them and making matters worse.

 5. You will gain more respect over time by allowing time to take its course while dealing with a lot of issues

For instance, I found this to be true in matters related to the kitchen. Every woman has her own way of running a kitchen. Let the in-laws take the lead, don’t enforce your ways. Invariably over time, they will start allowing you to take the lead too. Yes, things are bound to get out of hand sometimes because all humans are made differently.

Again, try to find a more dignified mode of resolution.

6. Yes, it is hard to not visit your parents frequently in the early days of the marriage but do try to keep your make visits limited at this time

In addition to making it harder for you to adjust into the new environment, it is also likely to give your in-laws and your husband the impression that you are unhappy in your new house.

Think about it, what man would like to feel that his new wife should like his house and family!

7. Try not to talk too much or too excessively

In other words ‘brag’, about your father’s high post, your mother’s jewellery, your bhabi’s great house or your brother’s sports bike. Even if you don’t intend to, you will be unconsciously putting down your husband and his family. So please be cautious on this.

8. Don’t get into the competition mode with the female in laws at all

You are not there to win a competition; you are there to make this new union work by winning hearts and developing a level of compatibility with your husband. Yes, some men are very difficult to live with but it will only take more effort on your part to make this wheel run smoothly.

Last but not least, please remember that men are very, very different creatures. Their minds and hearts function according to the rules of an entirely different planet!

It is your job to find out where exactly their planet is and then build a pathway for the two of you to shuttle happily between these two planets.

Your marriage is like travelling in boat that will have a stronger & happier journey with two oarsmen, not one. Also never take any harsh decision like committing suicide/killing partner. So go pick up that paddle and have a safe journey!